Sold On Amazon, My Foot.

That's my new acronym for Son Of A Mother Fucker, and goddamn, I have had much cause to use it today. One cause, really, if you don't count the painfully boring humanities class in which I made it up. And that is: technology.
Namely: music technology. It's got me tearing my hair out, running up walls, and nearly in tears, at its worst. If I didn't love music so goddamn much, I'd say, fuck it all, and delete the software. But my slave love for melodic noise keeps it there, occupying a shitload of space on my hard drive.
First there's LimeWire. I just got it about a week ago. It slows my computer, and it's slow as motherfucking hell itself. When I play music from it, it always skips if my computer does ANYTHING else, and sometimes even if it doesn't. It's hard to find the right music, and when you do, it's horribly disorganized. And don't get me started on how many times I've had to retry downloading a song because the Sold On Amazon, My Foot told me the song "Needs More Sources." (That's not another acronym, although it induces so many curses that I ought to make one for it.) And try as I might, I cannot get it to retrieve files from the right folder, but have to be content with what IT configures to.
Then there's iTunes, which I believe has been made worse by downloading LimeWire. I hate how one program can completely slow your computer down. My biggest issue with iTunes is my blue 4GB iPod mini. It seems to keep erasing all its songs, leaving me to completely re-update it. Which doesn't work. And I try again and again and again, but nothing works. Every time I think I've gotten at least a tiny amount of progress made in the long, hard journey from no tracks to 523, from no space to 1.89GB, from no time to a day, 10 hours, and almost seven minutes... it stops. And nothing can make it start again, nothing short of clearing that stupid little machine and plugging it back in, to go back from the beginning and try once again to clear 523 little turning wheels.
How did this turn from a rant into a vignette? I suppose it's good practice, as I need to work more on vignettes. I think my weird ones would be a good writing style for my books, even if that style completely contradicts some things I've already written. And of course, as I start to write this, I turn factual again, dry and boring. And suddenly slip back into a vignette. At this rate, I'll never learn to write, never develop a style. I don't like my overly factual shit. It doesn't flow as well, sounds awkward and boring and stupid. But people tell me it's well-written. And then what can I do? Listen to them, or to the media? Am I great, or am I not good enough?

A quick word about KT Tunstall, before I forget...

I must say, our lovely KT sounds much better live and in concert than recorded on a CD. When recorded, her voice is too perfect. It loses that gorgeous, rough, raw quality that makes you drool and wish you were in her pants. Plus, I BET that on the CDs, she doesn't play all her own music. I love the fact that she's her own one-woman band. Anyway, I'd write more, but it's 12:45 AM and I should have gone to sleep the second I got home from Shmaz's house, but I wanted to do some KT research. (And whaddya know? She's NOT lesbian, or so she says. Too bad, really, seeing as I'd go homo for her in the blink of an eye.) But as I was saying, I'm so tired I think I'm going to fall asleep sitting up if I don't get off right now. So that's all for this morning, ladies and gents. Glad I'm finally journalling again. G'night.

Concerning Hopeline

Concerning Hopeline, Entry #1: Homework Hell
Right now I am seriously so stressed I want to cry. But the tears won't come. They never do, except at the wrong times. It's 2 am the day my project is due, I'm tired as hell and nowhere close to done. I don't know what to do. I may skip the first half of school so I can get some sleep. I'm considering calling Hopeline, but I don't think this is serious enough. If they got mad at me I'd only be more depressed. I feel lonely, none of my friends are online, but what should I expect at 2 am on a schoolday? This is hell. When tofu rules the world, I'll make sure it abolishes homework.
EDIT: This is bad. I called Hopeline twice. Both times it put me on hold for a while, and then... "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial your operator..." blah blah blah. I mean, me, I'll just get more depressed. I'm not suicidal. But what if it's a glitch in Hopeline? What if the actual suicidal people try to call in and get the same thing? What if they kill themselves because
Hopeline wouldn't pick up? This is bad...
EDIT: I got someone this time. And then suddenly... I didn't have her.
EDIT: I finally got her! And we talked for a while, and now I'm a lot happier. And I'm going to get this Goddess-damned, Goddessforsaken project done, even if I have to skip the first half of school so I can sleep!

Concerning Hopeline, Entry #2: Hoping for Hopeline
O.O
Oh, Holy Mother Goddess Alive.
If Hopeline doesn't get $1000 in 7 days from April 18, they might cease to operate.
Isn't that tomorrow?
Hopeline CAN'T cease to operate.
They work so well.
I was so happy earlier after I called them, even though that lady said, "It's a tough situation you're in, no doubt about it," 57 million times.
I actually started to like it when she said that.
I couldn't have made it through the morning without her.
If they're gone...
I'm screwed.
Everyone's depressed.
People commit suicide.
Please, Goddess, God, let them get $1000 by tomorrow. (If they haven't already.)
Hopeline is in my prayers tonight.
EDIT: Oh nice. Turns out that because of a cry for help on http://postsecret.com/, which is where I foundout about this in the first place, Hopeline got over $30,000 in donations. Sweet.
EDIT: Hopeline is once more in trouble, thanks to the government, those bastards. Please take the time to look at the following website and help in whatever way you can. http://www.save1800suicide.org/

Idina Menzel

I truly love Idina Menzel. Truly truly. Everything about her. She's awesomely awesome, in so many ways.
I love her name, first of all. Apparently it used to be Idina Mentzel, but she changed it because no one could pronounce it. But seriously. Idina Menzel is an awesome name.
I love how she looks. She's so pretty it's scary. I covet her face.
I love her voice. She's an awesome singer with an amazing range. And her voice, her beautiful voice, is so individual. You can recognize it easily, not like one of those dime-a-dozen "singers" who all sound the same. I wish I could sing like her.
I love what she does. She's an actress and a singer and does musical theatre. She has my dream life. I want it. It's miiiiiiiiiiiiine.
I love the parts I've seen her play in musicals. Actually, I've never seen Wicked, but I feel like I have. She was Elphaba in Wicked. I love Elphaba. Such a good singer, such an awesome (but tragic) character. So real, and yet so fantasy-ish. And Maureen- now, I don't really like Maureen herself. She's a bitch. But I love her voice, I love her looks, and I love the fact that Idina has the stuff to MAKE people not like Maureen. It's hard, really, to make your character into someone the audience can hate.
I love how she is to her fans. So nice. She treats them like equals. Like friends. In her letters and stuff to all her random fans that read her website, she talks to them like they're her best friends ever. Like her fellow cast members or something. Puts up all the stage-door photos and stuff on her website. She loves them. In her dressing room she keeps fan letters- there was this one from some tiny little girl- "Dear Elphaba... I thought it was sad how you thought you weren't pretty..." blah blah blah. Something cute and stupid and little-kid-ish. She had it framed. Framed!
I love how she writes. She'll write these letters and put them up on her website for her fans to read. She makes them seem so personal, it's like she's talking to YOU, and YOU're her special friend who matters enough for her to write to YOU. And she loves YOU. YOU keep her going. YOU matter. It's amazing, feeling like YOU matter to someone who's so awesome, so way out of YOUr league, someone that so many people know about, someone who matters.
I love her husband. Not really. I think he's cool, though. Taye Diggs, who plays Benny in Rent. There's another character you love to hate. Taye has some mad skill to make Benny such an asshole. They met doing Rent when it was still on Broadway.
And finally, I love her website. http://idinamenzel.com/ That's it... go read it. It's so awesome... even the loading screen with the little sunflower is awesome. And it just gets awesomer. It makes you feel so close to her... Like, you read it, then you think of Elphaba, and it's like, Whoa, that's my friend. Playing Elphaba. And not just any Elphaba. THE Elphaba of all Elphabas. The official Elphaba. The beautiful, tragic, caring-but-un-cared-for Elphaba. The misunderstood Elphaba, who defies gravity in the most beautiful voice ever to come out of someone painted green.

LaLaLand: A Vignette

First Draft
LaLaLand. The place I've lived in for a long time. My home, my escape from a boring and painful reality. It's where I go to hang out with the friends I met there. My favorite place on earth, even though it's not on earth. It's a state of mind. Not like Kentucky, which is just a state. LaLaLand is full of craziness that comes in full-on color with no scientific explanation. LaLaLand is whatever we, the residents, say it is. It's where you go when you're hyper, or sometimes when you're just having a good time. It's where you go to have daydreams, night-dreams, fantasies. It's where you go when you're in love.
The real world is a black-and-white place full of conformity. Bombs and science. There's none of that in LaLaLand, unless you want there to be, but I doubt that because none of the residents I know are into that kind of thing. Tree-hugging hippies who believe in peace and unicorns, that's their place. They study the science of love and harmony, not of the latest model of the atom which is probably all wrong. They wear tie-dyed shirts as bright as their outlook on life. I wear a shirt like that in spirit- the spirit of LaLaLand.
When my life is fading to gray, that is when I make the escape to my home. That is when I get hyper and bounce up, up, up through the clouds, to lie under the violet sky, to drink the chocolate and coconut rain and party with the lemmings 24/7.

Final Draft
LaLaLand. The place I’ve lived in for a long time. My home, my escape from a boring and painful reality. The place I met most of my friends, and where I go to hang out with them. My favorite place on earth, even though it’s not on earth. It’s a state of mind. Not like Kentucky, which is just a state. LaLaLand is resplendent with craziness that comes in full-on color with no scientific explanation. LaLaLand is whatever we, the residents, say it is. It’s where you go when you’re so hyper that the ground can’t hold you down anymore, or sometimes when you’re just soaking up life’s little pleasures. It’s where you go to have daydreams, night-dreams, fantasies. It’s where you go when you’re in love.
The real world is a black-and-white place full of conformity. Bombs and science. There’s none of that in LaLaLand, unless you want there to be, but those who would have never found their way there. Tree-hugging hippies who believe in peace and unicorns, that’s their place. They study the science of love and harmony, not of the latest model of the atom which is probably all wrong anyway. They wear tie-dyed shirts as bright as their outlook on life. I wear a shirt like that in spirit- the spirit of LaLaLand.
When my life is fading to gray, that is when I disappear from it, into the land I call home. That is when I leave my mind behind and bounce up, up, up through the clouds, to lie under the violet sky, to drink the chocolate and coconut rain and party with the lemmings 24/7.

Mykynzy's Child: A Vignette

First Draft
It's a pink hoodie. Big silver-white letters spell out the place where she bought it. The place where I saw it on a sale rack in some store. All that rosy-coziness for just twenty dollars. Twenty dollars left in a place we have both grown to love. A place with ice cream and jewelry and seagulls and an old lady falling on her face. With a candy shop and plenty of stores that sell useless junk we can't help but buy. An overpriced place, but no price can buy friendship so it doesn't matter. In this place we tighten the bonds until we cut off our circulation. In this place she picked my earrings and I found the hoodie to transform her into Mykynzy's child. Soft and huggable, pink and fuzzy. The kind that some love to hate. But I love to love. And we love, and we live, and we make soup, and life goes on, and the ones who don't love don't matter.
She is Mykynzy's child, and she is my best friend, and she is leaving. But she'll come back, and her body will step back into the spirit she left next to mine. And she'll be different, and so will I, but we'll still be ourselves. No oceans can separate us from what we had. And once again we will meet each other on my floor, to share our secrets again, to feel at home once more. To live, to love, and to make soup.

Final Draft
It’s a pink hoodie. Big silver-white letters spell out the place where she bought it. The place where I saw it on a sale rack in some store, a store which is now much more than just some store to us. It’s a store that sold all that rosy-coziness for just twenty dollars. Twenty dollars left in a place we have both grown to love.
This place is the place with ice cream and jewelry and an old lady falling on her face. With a candy shop and plenty of stores that sell useless junk we can’t help but buy. In this place we tighten the bonds until we cut off our circulation. In this place she picked my earrings and I found the hoodie to transform her into Mykynzy’s child. Soft and huggable, pink and fuzzy. The kind some love to hate. But I love to love. And we love, and we live, and we make soup, and life goes on, and the ones who don’t love don’t matter.
She is Mykynzy’s child, and she is my best friend, and she is leaving. But she’ll come back, and her body will step back into the spirit she left next to mine, and we’ll hope beyond hope that she still fits inside it. Because she’ll be different, and so will I. But we’ll still be ourselves. Time and oceans can never separate us from what we had. She will still be Mykynzy’s child, still my best friend. Forever. And we will meet each other again on my floor, to share our secrets once more, to finally feel at home after six sad months of waiting. To love, to live, and to make soup.

O.O

What is up with today?
When I was talking during Current Events, I thought I was having a panic attack or something.
I always get nervous during Current Events.
But today was the worst by miles.
The first time I talked, which was one sentence, I rushed through it and the nervousness, the shakiness and pounding heart, didn't come on until after.
Which was good.
Until I talked again.
I was getting really nervous then, but I could have gotten through it if I hadn't had to explain myself.
Doug ought to go fuck himself for not getting it the first time.
He ought to go fuck himself anyway.
The asshole.
But like I said, I was going to be okay.
Relatively okay, at least.
Then he didn't get it.
And he told me.
So I tried to explain it.
And my voice started shaking like hell.
It sounded all strained, like I was about to cry.
I didn't feel like I was about to cry, not exactly.
But I had a hell of a time making my voice function through the end of my explanation.
Which seemed to take forever.
I was afraid I was going to dissolve into screaming, moaning, wailing tears for no reason.
Nina was looking at me funny, like she noticed, but maybe she was just looking
at me because I was talking.
Afterwards, my body was in panic mode.
I thought I was going to have to get outside for a minute.
But I breathed hard and crossed my shaking legs and rode it out.
I'm not sure I could have made it to the door anyway.
But I don't know why any of this happened.
None of it ever happened before.
With the exception of the nervousness, shakiness and quickened heartbeat.
And even that was worse today.
What the hell is going on?
Not to mention, I realized something later on that's so creepy I'm not even going to put it here. Not that I have a problem with it.
I just didn't think that was me.
And the way I think about it is just like, O.O.
I wonder what they would do if they found out.
I wonder if it's really true.
I kind of hope not.

Fuck...

Here goes my current train of thought.
Damn, I am so close to crying right now. I can't believe I'm making such a big deal over someone I don't even know IRL. (No offense, Lem.) Shows how fucked I am, how addicted to the Internet I am, how much it's become my life. I miss nice Tay. I haven't seen her in a fuckedly long time. That Tay actually deserved the Bella suffix. Bye bye, Bella. Miss you, you're gone forever. Too bad I'm not made of the right material for you to like me, for me to be your friend. Too bad you're not worth my time for accepting me. No more Bella-ness, no more beauty of Tay-Vi friendship. No more being able to stand the fact that she knows my name. Why can't I make people un-know things? I am so TS right now... I'M CRYING!!!! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!?!?!? Ugh. Jesus went to hell in a fast car and I don't believe in him and I have no damned idea why the fucking hell I wrote that. There's only one person in my world who deserves the capital H. He's no god, but that's good, because I like the fact that He exists. (There's no god that exists.) And He does a good job of it, too. But I'm getting off the subject. Not that I ever said there was a subject. But there is! It's me and Tay and the shit we're throwing at each other. I'm trying to get her to put it down, not to forgive or anything, because I won't. But I just want this to stop. We both know it's stupid. Why didn't she put it down in the first place?While I'm on the subject of questions, why the hell do I keep insulting myself? I wish I could psychologize myself. I wish I could psychologize both of us and figure out why the hell this is happening. Oh joy, here come the tears again. Major. STOP IT! I want this to end! Now Lem's mad. I can't take this. More nosiness. I guess we both forced it on her. I can't take this. Why? Why does it matter? I think Lem mattered most. That's where it came from the most. That's good to know, because she DOES matter most. This is hell... I might as well have gone to that dance. I'd be happier, bored or not, and I'd get as much done. (Meaning none.) And I really ought to do stuff now... but I can't, I just can't. I can't do anything but bitch with my cold, hard
words and my fingers. And here comes the coldness. I guess I could close the windows. TOO MUCH TO DO! And I just can't do it. Why did you all have to do this to me? You betrayed me! See what the Internet can do? Forge false friendships so you can cry when they hit the rocks and the rest come crashing down with them. More opportunity for you to get mad at everyone, naturally, it was invented by humans, it's used by humans, I'm human, naturally we're all evil. We question good and evil but there's no question about it. Every single one of us is fucking evil. Why else would we hurt so much? And why does the fucking Kelly Clarkson song on the radio right now describe my mood so fucking well? Love, love, someone love me before I die of hate. This contagious disease infecting the human race. Ugh. She just PMed me. For the last time,
because I told her I wouldn't reply no matter what. Not that I'd speak my mind anyway. She was too wrong. I can't believe I saved it, but I did. Now I'm having trouble breathing. At its worst. It's been going on since this started. A symptom of hate. I hate her. Good night, Tay, I hate you. I hope you know.
NOTE: We both felt really bad after this and eventually made up, and are now closer than ever. <3333

Wow...

I cannot BELIEVE how easily Katarine_Rose takes offense whenever I say something the slightest bit anti-meat. In the Spork guild, I happened to post something bitchy because someone posted a picture of Marshmallow Peeps, which contain gelatin, for which pigs are killed. Lots of pigs. So as I said, I posted something bitchy and apologized in the same post. For your reference:

La Violetta and W!nd R!der wrote:
Yeah, and of course you never stop to think about the dead pig entrails that are in there, never think about the pigs who gave their lives unwillingly to make that, who were raised in horrible conditions... Oh. Wait. People hate when I do that. SORRY! Shutting up now. *slaps self* Actually, I like it when you do that because half the time, you're saying something I don't know. So I just learned something and will never eat those again.
Yeah, but some of the people who eat those things and don't want to change get really pissed off when veggies do that.

And yet, she blew up at me. She posted a post, in an oversized font, with a bunch of facts and a bunch of bitchiness. I would put it here, but I believe someone deleted it, though I don't know who. That post offended me, so I posted this reply:

La Violetta wrote:
Jeez, didn't I already tell you I was sorry? This is like the cookbook incident all over again. I apologize for having a rather blunt way of stating my beliefs, but what can I say, I live in a free (albeit hideously expensive) country. Anyway, I'm somewhat confused about what you just said... trust my brain to not understand it. Whatever. Anyway, just be glad you don't live with me. I do that under my breath all the time.
Oh, and if you want FACTS, here's a couple FACTS for you.
Estimated number of Marshmallow Peeps that will be consumed around Easter this year: 800,000,000
Estimated number of pigs that died to make them: 125,000
Taken from Harper's Index, page 17 of Funny Times, May 2006 issue.

Then she REALLY blew up at me. She posted a long, bitchy post, again in an oversized font, with a bunch of falsehoods and things that didn't make sense, and expected me to know things I never could have known, and so on. It hasn't been deleted, at least not yet, but I can't see it, so again, I can't post it. Then she quit the guild and sent me a bitchy PM about it, once again in an oversized font:

Katarine_Rose wrote:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ATTACKING THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO EAT MEAT PRODUCTS.
WHEN I ASKED FOR THE FACTS I MEANT AS IN WHAT THE INGREDIENTS WERE NOT THOSE FACTS!
I HAVE QUIT THE GUILD BECAUSE OF YOUR ATTACKS! I HOPE YOU ARE TRULLY HAPPY.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR LIFE!
GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I PMed her back, saying, simply:

La Violetta wrote:
Oh, I'm glad to hear it. Thanks for ruining my evening. Have a nice eternity!

And in the guild, I offered this message to my fellow Sporkians.

La Violetta wrote:
I don't see why she had to make such a big deal out of it. I apologized before she even posted. First of all, she didn't tell me what kind of facts she wanted (or maybe she did, but her post appears to have been deleted, so I can't tell), and second of all, those were facts about what were in the ingredients of 800,000,000 Marshmallow Peeps: 125,000 pigs. Excuse me for not knowing that she didn't know what gelatin was made of- excuse me for thinking people
were less ignorant. I never asked her to leave, she left of her own accord. I never said anything about narrow-minded people. And I don't think I was being narrow-minded about anything, I was simply saying that there were dead pigs, raised in awful conditions, in those marshmallows. Once again, I don't believe I was flaming. She, in fact, is flaming me. And I might add that this guild is by no means vegetarian domain- its owner, for one, is a non-vegetarian. I must say, this is a little immature for a thirty-something-year-old, going off like that because of what a puny 13-year-old said. I have to admit, I'm glad she's gone.

Now, tonight, I absolutely feel like shit. I don't like being yelled at on the Internet. I think it's worse than when it happens in real life. But I have no regrets about saying what I said. Katarine_Rose is now on my ignore list, both on Gaia and under her username on Yahoo! Messenger, where we chatted once. I've got to admit, I feel really sorry for her kids. If she can give me this much shit online, when I live in a different state than her, think what they get at home!

Username Guide
La Violetta= me
W!nd R!der= my friend
Katarine_Rose= once a friend, now the enemy